John Texas

John Texas, accompanied by his faithful hoss, Bessie

Sit down all round the campfire here a moment and let me tell y'all about John Texas, the biggest, meanest cowboy in the whole West. John Texas is the powerful cowboy spirit what haunts all o' Texas. He can destroy anyone he wants at any time, but he doesn't, because he knows that ain't fair fightin', and nothin's worse than a cheatin' cowboy, no sirree.

Personality

He's gruff, kid, and you better believe it. He has a cigar and a shadow coverin' his eyes, which is pretty much all you need to know right there. But under that gruff exterior's a heart o' gold, and a penchant for justice. Because he's a cowboy, and this is Texas. That's just how things are. *spits into spitoon, making a big P-TANG noise*

Appearance

You'll know Ol' John Texas from a mile away. He's got this air about him, y'see. Menacing. Powerful. Here's one tough son of a gun you don' wanna mess with, no sir, and you know it just by lookin' at him. But iffin' you's gone stupid between now and when you see him, you can recognize Ol' John Texas by his cowboy hat, and the cowboy hat his cowboy hat's wearin'. He's got two six-shooters, and he's got a right deadeye with both, yesirree. His spurs are three times the size of any normal cowboy's, makin' big ol' lines in the dirt where he been walkin'. And finally, you can recognize 'im by that big ol' cigar he's always got, dated to go bad at the time o' yer death. You'll probably smell it before you see 'im.

Bessie

John Texas has got a mighty fine hoss named Bessie, fastest runner in the whole West. Legend says she's eternal, always been, and always will be. They say Ol' John Texas met 'er deep in the desert, right when he'd been goin' mad o' heatstroke. Well, right as he was about to pass out, he sees this big ol' hoss emerge from the dunes, brown as a chestnut layin' in the mud, carryin' a six-shooter. He weren't quite sure what happened after that on account o' he passed out right after. But the story goes he woke up in an inn, completely hydrated, in the nicest room what they had. When he went outside, there was Bessie, waitin' for him. They been insep'rable ever since. Yee-haw, what a tale! *P-TAAAANG!*

Appearances

• None yet, pard'ner, but you'd better hope it stays that way if'n ye know what's good for ye!

Trivia

• The wind whispers 'is name, and the moon at night challenges any to dare speak a word o' ill about 'im. None've yet been dumb enough to try.
• He's got a pet tumbleweed named Jim, whose job's to keep crossin' his path all dramatic-like.
• The last man what saw his eyes died o' twelve heart attacks at once!
• He founded the Dallas Cowboys, and when a new player joins the team they must swear their undyin' allegiance to Texas.
• They held Taco Day on his birthday, earnin' him the nickname John "Taco" Texas. They don't hold it on his birthday no more, though, and if'n ya ask me, the politician what changed it better watch himself and steer far away from Texas.
• Legends say that one night he sat bolt upright in his bunk, and fired a shot out the window, which traveled over twoooo-hundred miles before ricochetin' off a rock and killin' some mean ol' rattlesnake what was threatenin' an innocent young belle. That girl, inspired by the act of accuracy, went on to make music about John Texas under the name Dolly Parton.
• He's got his own personal Big Gulp cup, which he fills with 7-Up, the official soft drink o' Texas!